FROM THE ARCHIVES · LIQUID DEPRESSO INJECTION / W5
What now...?
Filed under Commentary & Rants
There's something nagging me. It's been nagging me...for...a very long time (would say "forever", but that's only based upon what I can remember). Two things.
One...I really, truly hate my voice. With a passion. I've sounded like this since I was twelve, dammit. And I do mean that. Oh...the horrors. I swear I don't even recognize my own voice. It just doesn't sound like me, how I hear myself in my head. I've just had to deal with it, but it's obviously not working...
Two, and this is the thing that annoys me to no end...
I don't even have to try and I am! Not in walking, not that I think so, anyway. My walk is kind of aggressive on average, even when wearing heels, which is why I can't wear stilettos even if I was a fan of them.
Seriously, I hate this was a passion. Even without my hijab on, I look too feminine. I don't even look remotely androgynous (at least, not to me). Maybe I need makeup. Maybe I need different lighting. Maybe I need to see what I look like without wearing a hijab (and by that I mean in public, like looking in a store mirror). But for crying out loud...
...Yeah. I need to start getting a full-night's sleep. I have bags under my eyes. I'm a night owl, you see. A horrible, horrible night owl. I'm talking six, seven AM. And THEN going to sleep. Half the day is gone. Nothing gets done...
...but that's the best time for me in the world...
And so. Thus I end up with a face like this:
It's a sad, sad face.
...So. What now?
I know, I know...Hormones. But I don't think it's going to do me any good. I wouldn't mind being a man, but...for now I feel and want to be more masculine. If there was some non-surgery way to become a man, hell, sign me up. But because surgery is the only way...I don't feel comfortable with that. Okay, so then I'm stuck with my own body. Well, gee, then if there was some way to get my voice changed and looking more masculine, including body structure, by taking hormones or something without having to worry about certain other things that'll inevitably come with taking hormones, I'd be hopin' for it in the future in a heartbeat. At least that way I could make my transition easier...One day more like a man, another day more like a woman...Because, dammit, men are damn beautiful when they dress like women or even wear makeup! Even with beards!!
...Ah, well. Just had to let that out...
In the meantime, that damned first chapter of part three of my Bleach fanfic series has been uploaded onto FF.net...
...
...Though it's technically not mine...It's Eve's...which means...erm...it's ours...
I need to figure this thing out. Go with what feels best, yeah...I'll figure that out, don't worry....
One...I really, truly hate my voice. With a passion. I've sounded like this since I was twelve, dammit. And I do mean that. Oh...the horrors. I swear I don't even recognize my own voice. It just doesn't sound like me, how I hear myself in my head. I've just had to deal with it, but it's obviously not working...
Two, and this is the thing that annoys me to no end...
 |
| Oh, hail no.. |
I'M TOO DAMN FEMININE!
I don't even have to try and I am! Not in walking, not that I think so, anyway. My walk is kind of aggressive on average, even when wearing heels, which is why I can't wear stilettos even if I was a fan of them.
Seriously, I hate this was a passion. Even without my hijab on, I look too feminine. I don't even look remotely androgynous (at least, not to me). Maybe I need makeup. Maybe I need different lighting. Maybe I need to see what I look like without wearing a hijab (and by that I mean in public, like looking in a store mirror). But for crying out loud...
...Yeah. I need to start getting a full-night's sleep. I have bags under my eyes. I'm a night owl, you see. A horrible, horrible night owl. I'm talking six, seven AM. And THEN going to sleep. Half the day is gone. Nothing gets done...
...but that's the best time for me in the world...
And so. Thus I end up with a face like this:
 |
| What're you lookin' at? |
It's a sad, sad face.
...So. What now?
I know, I know...Hormones. But I don't think it's going to do me any good. I wouldn't mind being a man, but...for now I feel and want to be more masculine. If there was some non-surgery way to become a man, hell, sign me up. But because surgery is the only way...I don't feel comfortable with that. Okay, so then I'm stuck with my own body. Well, gee, then if there was some way to get my voice changed and looking more masculine, including body structure, by taking hormones or something without having to worry about certain other things that'll inevitably come with taking hormones, I'd be hopin' for it in the future in a heartbeat. At least that way I could make my transition easier...One day more like a man, another day more like a woman...Because, dammit, men are damn beautiful when they dress like women or even wear makeup! Even with beards!!
...Ah, well. Just had to let that out...
In the meantime, that damned first chapter of part three of my Bleach fanfic series has been uploaded onto FF.net...
...
...Though it's technically not mine...It's Eve's...which means...erm...it's ours...
I need to figure this thing out. Go with what feels best, yeah...I'll figure that out, don't worry....