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I literally don't know what to say. I'm grasping at the straws, here. I'm distraught, unable to calm my mind and go to sleep. I'm just letting it all soak in. As I lay here, in my bed, crying, I can't help but think something.

I'm free.

Which is strange, because I know for sure that I'm not; I'm still here, surrounded by a community that I don't particularly like, in the company of family that I feel estranged from, and very, very unhappy. Yet it's strange. Why did those words come into my mind? I just discovered something many hours ago, something that I had never heard of before, but is exactly what I am.

I am bigender (bi-gender).

And all this time, I thought I was suffering from some sort of multiple personality disorder...but I'll save that for another post...

It's really something to take in. But the more I researched it, and spent all evening and now to early morning doing so, the more it seemed to describe me perfectly. And now I can say it and be strong, be confident. Eve is a part of me. He is me, and I am him. We are one. I don't have to be afraid that something is wrong with me.

But I'm so scared.

I've always been conflicted with who I am, my personal beliefs and thoughts. It took a long time, just about two years ago, before I could acknowledge that I was most likely going to go to Hell no matter what I did. Because of that, I spiraled into a very deep, dark depression. I cut. I bit. I hit. I pulled. I hated myself, and still do, very, very much. Though now, though I hate myself, I can at least admit I am who I am and there's nothing I can do about it. I don't even feel like changing myself anymore. But I would like to love myself, at least...

And now with this glorious revelation of being bigender...

I know for sure I have a one-way ticket to Hell, now.

Funny...with the way things were going, I thought the only way I could possibly get a one-way ticket Downstairs was by committing suicide...so I didn't. But now...

I guess it doesn't matter.

To say I am scared, actually, is an understatement.

I'm terrified.

What do I do now?