FROM THE ARCHIVES · LIQUID DEPRESSO INJECTION / W5
Some people are just born this way
Filed under Culture & Subculture
This is an extremely personal post, inspired by a post I read by VelvetBat. It gave me the courage to just...let it out. I'm somewhat tired of not telling anyone, so I'll tell you guys instead. I've wanted to talk about this for a very long while...Both are related to identity, one in a way related to my gender, the other in some ways related to that as well, but by way of my mindset, I suppose...
Since I was young, through ages nine and eleven, I had this interesting, slightly disturbing and strange fascination with alter egos and personality disorders. For a while there, I wanted one and/or thought I had one. I got one right. I do indeed have an alter ego, but not a personality disorder, for which I am thankful for...but at the same time, still morbidly curious as to what it might be like. I never meant this in a joking sort of way. Ever. I was quite serious about it...and still am.
There have been many instances in my life in which I wondered what it was like or wished to be male. I've never looked it up, but I have felt both comfortable and uncomfortable in my own skin, sometimes simultaneously. I'm not quite sure how to explain it. Since I was young, I was more of a tomboy than a girly girl; climbing trees, beating up my older brother, and always ready for a conflict, even with other boys when I shouldn't have been. I've always hated the sound of my voice. For the longest time I would pick up the phone and people would think I was my brother, and that went out for a while, even after he hit puberty. That somewhat thrilled me. I've though myself to have a deep voice, wanted a deep voice, and still do. I wish I a gravelly, androgynous voice in which you couldn't tell I was male or female. I love androgyny with a passion.
There are also things that I like that confuse me. I wouldn't mind have a flat chest at all and want to bind, though I'm drawn to other women's chests, especially if they have particularly large busts. That may or may not have something to do with my round, bouncy fetish...And at the same time, I know for certain that I'm heterosexual. Oh, I'm flaming straight, if you want to say. When I was little, you could say I had a sort of penis envy, though not with the following Electra complex. I just wanted one. For whatever reasons, even I don't know. Then, of course, are the other things that I've noticed about myself. I know for a fact that if, hypothetically, I were to suddenly become a male, I would still be attracted to men, not women. I don't understand how this works...
As for my alter ego...
I don't know when exactly I created an alter ego for myself or exactly why I did it, but I did. My alter ego is a male nicknamed Eve. Over the years, I've had difficulty determining just what exact gender he is...but he looks male on the outside, at least. Inside, however...I'm not sure to this day.
I took Eve's creation to such great lengths. I gave him a birth date, email address, act as him while online, want him to be treated as if he were a real person (because in some way, he really is), and when in certain moods and mindsets, I call it "being Eve". I even have conversations with him via instant messaging, going back and forth between two clients, and have sent letters to him...to myself.
This means I've wished to be able to dress as a male, and for a very long time. But this greatly conflicts with my religion, as men aren't supposed to dress as women and vice versa. However, I really, really wish there was some way I could pass for male. I wish to be a cross-dresser.Yet I'm so very confused with who I am and with my religion...
I've never told anyone about this, not even my brother, who I've almost literally told everything to. I don't know how this is going to sound. I don't even know how it sounds to myself...
I want to cross dress.
I wish I were male.
Women's bodies fascinate me.
But I'm attracted to men.
I don't like being a woman.
I hate having a vagina and especially my menstrual cycle.
But I love the idea of inserting a penis in a vagina.
And I like both femininity and masculinity; both masculine traits and feminine traits.
...
I'm a so very messed up individual. I'm uncomfortable and confused with my mind...
Since I was young, through ages nine and eleven, I had this interesting, slightly disturbing and strange fascination with alter egos and personality disorders. For a while there, I wanted one and/or thought I had one. I got one right. I do indeed have an alter ego, but not a personality disorder, for which I am thankful for...but at the same time, still morbidly curious as to what it might be like. I never meant this in a joking sort of way. Ever. I was quite serious about it...and still am.
There have been many instances in my life in which I wondered what it was like or wished to be male. I've never looked it up, but I have felt both comfortable and uncomfortable in my own skin, sometimes simultaneously. I'm not quite sure how to explain it. Since I was young, I was more of a tomboy than a girly girl; climbing trees, beating up my older brother, and always ready for a conflict, even with other boys when I shouldn't have been. I've always hated the sound of my voice. For the longest time I would pick up the phone and people would think I was my brother, and that went out for a while, even after he hit puberty. That somewhat thrilled me. I've though myself to have a deep voice, wanted a deep voice, and still do. I wish I a gravelly, androgynous voice in which you couldn't tell I was male or female. I love androgyny with a passion.
There are also things that I like that confuse me. I wouldn't mind have a flat chest at all and want to bind, though I'm drawn to other women's chests, especially if they have particularly large busts. That may or may not have something to do with my round, bouncy fetish...And at the same time, I know for certain that I'm heterosexual. Oh, I'm flaming straight, if you want to say. When I was little, you could say I had a sort of penis envy, though not with the following Electra complex. I just wanted one. For whatever reasons, even I don't know. Then, of course, are the other things that I've noticed about myself. I know for a fact that if, hypothetically, I were to suddenly become a male, I would still be attracted to men, not women. I don't understand how this works...
As for my alter ego...
I don't know when exactly I created an alter ego for myself or exactly why I did it, but I did. My alter ego is a male nicknamed Eve. Over the years, I've had difficulty determining just what exact gender he is...but he looks male on the outside, at least. Inside, however...I'm not sure to this day.
I took Eve's creation to such great lengths. I gave him a birth date, email address, act as him while online, want him to be treated as if he were a real person (because in some way, he really is), and when in certain moods and mindsets, I call it "being Eve". I even have conversations with him via instant messaging, going back and forth between two clients, and have sent letters to him...to myself.
This means I've wished to be able to dress as a male, and for a very long time. But this greatly conflicts with my religion, as men aren't supposed to dress as women and vice versa. However, I really, really wish there was some way I could pass for male. I wish to be a cross-dresser.Yet I'm so very confused with who I am and with my religion...
I've never told anyone about this, not even my brother, who I've almost literally told everything to. I don't know how this is going to sound. I don't even know how it sounds to myself...
I want to cross dress.
I wish I were male.
Women's bodies fascinate me.
But I'm attracted to men.
I don't like being a woman.
I hate having a vagina and especially my menstrual cycle.
But I love the idea of inserting a penis in a vagina.
And I like both femininity and masculinity; both masculine traits and feminine traits.
...
I'm a so very messed up individual. I'm uncomfortable and confused with my mind...